Grieving and Nightmares
by OrangeMonkey7
Summary: Sam is worried about Dean ever since Cas' death. Dean hasn't been acting the same, so Sam confronts Dean about it, and is shocked. M to be safe. Some violence. Hurt!Dean. Worried!Sam. Some Dean/Cas. Revolves around Dean's emotions about Cas after he dies.


**Sam is worried about Dean ever since Cas' death. Dean hasn't been acting the same, so Sam confronts Dean about it. Sam is shocked at how bad it really is for Dean. Lots of Hurt!Dean and some Worried!Sam. Dean/Castiel slash of some sort, but nothing romance-y. I honestly don't know what this is. This is very different and new for me. This is unbeta'd, so yeah. You are warned.**

Dean and Sam entered the motel room. Walking towards the bed, Dean picked up a bottle of whiskey. Sam rolled his eyes like always. They had just wrapped up a simple case.

"Dean, so how are you?" Sam asked his brother.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, sure. Not sleeping, having nightmares I assume, drinking way too much. Cas." Sam was really worried about his brother. His mind was always somewhere else.

"Look, Sam. Yeah, Cas was my friend, our friend, but he's gone. He made mistakes and he paid the price. It isn't my fault. I'm just a bit stressed."

Sam sighed. "Right. Our friend. Castiel, the hopeless angel. Maybe, this was our fault. I mean, he always helped us. But, what about us helping him?" Sam was trying to get Dean to open up, a near impossible feat.

"He never asked." Dean shrugged.

"Look I know you're acting like you don't care. But, I know you do. You had a "profound bond" right?" Sam knew he'd probably regret this, but what did he care, it was for his brother's own good.

"Sure, whatever." Dean grabbed the whiskey.

Sam grasped the bottle and took it away. "Dean, stop acting like Cas was just another fucking victim! I know this affected you. Why else would you have picked up the trench coat? Yeah, that's what I thought." Sam was thoroughly annoyed and angry with his brother.

"Geez, Sam, what's your problem? Yeah, I miss him, so what? He was a friend." Dean was putting on such a show for Sam, it was fucking ridiculous.

"My problem is you won't stop acting like everything's normal."

"Sam, don't you get it? Our lives aren't normal. Cas isn't normal. Nothing is normal. It's just one big fucking mess!" Dean ranted.

"Finally." Sam sighed.

"What? Finally?" Dean was somewhat confused, yet beginning to become angry.

"Yeah. Some response that you care. Emotion."

"I have emotions. Life's just difficult right now." Dean gritted his teeth. He breathed heavily.

"Yeah, when's life not difficult? You're not a rock."

"Uh, yeah."

"So like I asked, how are you?" Sam hoped he could get something useful out of his tough, but screwed up brother.

Dean sighed, and glared down at the ground.

"Dean, it's okay." Sam motioned his brother to speak.

"I, uh, have nightmares. It's my entire fault, Sammy. Castiel, why'd he have to die?" A tear slowly fell down Dean's cheek. Dean looked away; he couldn't bear for his little brother to see him like this.

"Dean…" Sam didn't realize how tough Castiel's death had affected his brother. He knew Cas and Dean were close, but this.

"This is…I'm sorry." Dean stopped himself. He was about to tell him. Everything. The pain. The emotions. The love. The fight. The depression.

"No, Dean. I'm sorry. You can tell me. I'm your brother. Trust me." Sam fought the urge to look away. The pain in his brother's eyes was almost too much.

"The nightmares. Cas is in hell. I was forced to torture him, Sammy. Lucifer made me. They won't stop, Sam!" Tears rolled down Dean's face.

"It's not real. It's NOT real." Sam decided to shut up and let his brother tell him.

"I remember every single moment. Scarring Cas' face. It's red now, just red. Blood red. And his soft hair, well now it's dried and wet from blood. I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I see the trench coat. He was apologizing, Sam." Dean couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his face. It made him angry. Meanwhile, Dean was fidgeting with the knife in his hand, the knife he cut open his friend with.

Sam noticed the knife, and grabbed it. Dean nodded. "Apologizing?"

"When you had your Lucination, Cas was apologizing. He said he regretted it, and was going to make things right. I gave up on him. He's my friend, no, family. I just abandoned him. Sammy…" Dean wiped the tears from his face.

Sam was still pondering that Castiel was going to make things right.

"I loved him, in a sense. Like I love you, like I love Bobby." Now that Dean thought about it, it was a little bit of a different kind of love, but he couldn't place his finger on it. Dean picked up the knife again off the bed and pondered it some more. With one last breath, Dean placed the knife against the skin of his wrist and cut himself.

Sam couldn't believe his eyes. "Dean, what are you..." Sam was horrified.

Dean laid back on the bed, and sighed. "It helps, Sam. With the emotional pain and stuff. You said I should stop drinking so much, so this helps me."

"Dean, but not like this." Sam grabbed his brother's wrist and a towel to wrap around the forearm. "Are you…suicidal?" Sam whispered.

"No, Sammy. I just…need to…cope." Dean looked at his brother for his approval.

"Dean, you should get some sleep. This is not…healthy." Sam added.

"Trust me; you don't want me to go to sleep. Have you realized how I wait for you to leave before I sleep? It's because of the nightmares. It gets ugly, violent. I don't want you to…" Dean explained to his younger sibling.

"I'm staying. It can't be that bad." Sam stood up and turned off the lamp, for Dean to get some sleep. Sam walked over to the desk and studied some case files. All was going fine, so far, after about 15 minutes. Then, all of a sudden, Dean screamed.

"No! Lucifer, I don't care! There's nothing you can do to make me…STOP! I'll do it." Dean said the last part as a whisper. "Cas, I wish there's something…I just can't bear to do this anymore. I have to put myself back on the rack…" Dean screamed in agony. His body spasmed. His chest heaved violently. His head threw back onto the pillow, and he made a choking sound. Sam just couldn't take it anymore.

Sam gripped his brother's face and shook him to wake him up and out of the nightmare. Dean twitched to the side and kicked his younger brother in the side, as Sam flew back off the bed onto the ground. Despite the pain, Sam stood up, and returned to wake his brother up. Sam grabbed Dean's face carefully, and shouted, "Dean, wake up! It's just a dream! I'm here! It's me, Sammy." Dean immediately, went to touch his face, slapping Sam's hand, and elbowing Sam in the mouth. Sam stepped back. "Come on, Dean. It's me, it's not real." Sam was practically begging. Dean screamed in one last yell of agonizing pain and his body jerked up, awaking him. He wiped his face, and slapped himself, proving he was back on earth. Dean looked up to see, his younger brother wiping some blood from his mouth.

"Dean." Sam said as he sighed of relief that is brother's nightmare had ended.

"Sammy." Dean said, almost as a question, though he was pretty sure he knew the answer. "Did I do…"

"Yeah." Sam was clearly horrified by his brother's pain.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. I can't…" Dean was ashamed.

"No, no, it's no problem. I just was trying to wake you. I couldn't bear you to be tortured." Sam stared at the ground. The pain in Dean's face was killing him.

"It's Cas. I just couldn't torture him anymore. It's horrible." Dean was about to start crying again, but he held his composure.

"I know, I get it. You, Cas, the bond." Sam exclaimed as he looked at Dean's scar on his shoulder.

Dean looked at the scar and touched it. It was ice cold. Dean shivered at the touch.

"Dean, you can get through this. We'll find a way." Sam assured his brother.

"Yeah, we will. If only Cas would return. If only, I could have trusted him. If only, I forgave him." Dean sighed. He wanted, no needed Castiel. He just wasn't whole without him.

"You never know. You've died like 20 times. He'll come back. Trust me." Sam hoped he hadn't just said the biggest lie of his life. They needed Castiel. Life wasn't the same.

"I hope your right, damned frickin' heaven." Dean sighed.

The phone rang. Sam answered it. "Yeah, got it. Ohio. Be there in a few hours. Talk to you later Bobby." Sam ended the call. "Got a case, Ohio. Let's go." The boys packed up for another day on the road.

**Please REVIEW! I'd like to know how bad or good this is. I feel like it's sort of a mess, but I want your opinion. **


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